*sigh*... why cant people just be honest? i'm honest. i dont get what's so fucking hard about it. you say honestly how you feel or what you think to prevent further conflict and/or confusion. but some people just dont have the balls.
i am still miserable. a little over 2 months ago i set out to change that; i was tired of being miserable and decided to be happy. so i asked out my best friend because i loved him and wasn't afraid of starting a new relationship, finally.
since i had told him all my fears and been honest with him 100% about myself and how i felt and what i was about, etc... since he had promised me that i could trust him, i did. i trusted him 200%. i gave him my heart and asked him to be careful with it. i gave him my trust and asked him to please not break it. but what did he do? through a LOT of broken promises and dishonesty, he broke both. badly. it felt the same as how it felt with Goodchild; complete betrayal. i wont be able to be happy. i wont be able to get out of this misery anymore. i lost the only thing precious to me to some stupid controlling bitch... and i cant do anything about it... cause he wont give me the time of day anymore... what kind of fucking best friend lies to you about being honest, lies to you that you can trust him, lies to you that there could ever be ANYTHING between you... and then fucks right off and leaves you completely alone...? John Schweizer does. apparently he is the type of guy to do that to someone he apparently "loved" at some point.
what kind of guy who apparently "loved" you and apparently still has feelings for you comes over the morning of a day you'd been planning to spend together for a year, fucks you, chills for an hour, fucks off, and then tries to ditch you for that day? and then when you beg him to please spend the day with you like he promised... he shows up and then glares at you like the devil; keeps this attitude like he's a kid who just got banned from playing video games for the rest of his life or something. absolutely, 100%, ruined that day for me. his attitude. he just couldn't fucking WAIT to get the fuck away from me. that stupid fucking bitch was texting him and getting ANGRY at him for keeping the promise he made to me FIRST. he planned to spend time with me FIRST. FUCK THAT FUCKING BITCH. and then you know what? he tells me if i break them up he will never forgive me. i never intended to break them up. this is all HIS FUCKING FAULT. he wasn't honest with her about how he was STILL fucking around with me DURING their "relationship" (for almost 2 months of their "relationship")... and they aren't even IN a "relationship" according to her. she could fucking CARE LESS about him as long as she gets what she wants.
and i am the one who has to be the bigger person here... i am the one who has to take all the pain and all the loneliness and all the heat for him... to make sure he's happy.... cause that's all i ever wanted was to make him happy... but i wanted to be the one doing it... i wanted to be in his heart... i wanted him to think about me like he used to.... even during the 2 months we were sort of 'together' everytime he smiled it gave me hope and made me happy. every time i saw or thought of his smile, i smiled... but as things went on and he just kept lying to me i found it harder and harder to just smile... because his eyes deceived him and i could feel that he was lying... but i didn't want to believe it... my love blinded me and all i could think about was making him happy and being with him always... but he lied. to me... to a person he told he had feelings for... to a person who has been there for him through anything... to a person who was honest with him and who loved him and who will always be there... he lied to me... and then told me it was "to make me happy"... he broke my heart and shattered my trust "to make me happy"... i told him to be honest with me. that's all i asked for.
because i ACTUALLY cared about our friendship, or what little he left of it, i told him we should take a break. i dont want to... god i dont want to have to do this at all but HE has left me no other choice... if they break up because he keeps lying to us both he'll blame me for it when it isn't my fault. it's HIS fault if they break up. HIS fault for lying. HIS fault for fucking up. not mine. but i'm the one who'll get blamed for it. i'll get blamed. i have to sit here alone crying for the next... however long i have to wait for this shit and i have to deal with it. i have to wait during this break alone, shaking, crying, having issues sleeping, being miserable all on my own FOR HIM. i bet you a billion dollars that fucking bitch of his would never do something like that for him in a million fucking years. mind you i cant ENTIRELY blame the bitch. it's his fault for lying to her too.
or is all the fault mine? for breaking up with him before... for being too afraid to tell him then that i loved him... i should have told him then how i felt. i should have told him that i loved him. but how could i have told him then? i was still too afraid to let myself love someone. when he told me he loved me i was so scared to say anything that i cried cause i wanted to tell him but i was so scared to... i cried then because i didn't want to hurt him how he's hurt me now... except i didn't lie to him. i was honest with him. i made sure to tell him i wasn't ready. i didn't fuck around with his heart because i cared about him... so what does that say about him for doing that?... i blamed it on inexperience but that's all i could blame it on...
but now i have to pay for his mistake. i am the one who has to suffer for his bullshit. that fucking bitch still gets what she wants. he gets what he wants. i get to sit here crying. i have to endure the pain and the loneliness... i have to endure loving John and missing him so so so much... i will wait for him... because what else can i do? he broke my heart and my trust WAY too deeply for me to do anything else... i cant trust anyone or love anyone else... i cant because i need time to heal now... and that could take another year and a half like it did last time... fuck you john for forcing me into this position. why couldn't you have been honest with me like i begged you to be... why........ then i wouldn't have to be here. i could have just gone off and found someone else... i could have been happy... but you lied... and now there's nothing for me but pain and loneliness again... and it's your fault. but you could care less cause you have what you need.
the only reason we became such close friends and the only reason you ever hung out with me before is cause you had feelings for me. but now that you dont and now that i do you can just throw me away like the trash you've treated me like. you make me feel like i'm nothing but trash to you.
so now i'm sitting here, by myself, typing away on my computer as i'm fighting back tears because i'm trying not to cry anymore... but when i think of things like how you used to hold me they just force forward and there's nothing i can do. i miss you john... and you would leave me without a second thought.
would things have been different if you fought for me then like i am fighting for you now? probably. i love you and you couldn't care less.
i'll be here. waiting, like always. keeping your promises for you. and i'm venting on here because my journal is finished and i dont have money to buy a new one yet :<